Having a Conversation With a Tree Is More Productive

I'm not sure if it is the blank stares without a response that drive me insane or if it is the lack of eye contact followed by the "huh?" After years of participation in the little known scientifc study of teenage-response to parental questioning sponsored and funded by the University of Mom, I am proud to publish these not- so-astonishing results ( unless you don't have a teen and then this will be quite enlightening).

Hypothesis #1: Teenagers speak a different language and thus when parents speak we are looked as though we are from Mars.

Conclusion: This is only true when it comes to directional phrases that are spoken when said teen is on Facebook or if the directional phrase is to get off Facebook, clean something in the house, or do homework. The evidence for this was based upon consistent requests to move a pink swim bag for the better part of 2 weeks (smelly wet towel and all) to get repetitive affirmations that it will get done as soon as she is done responding to the people that she is chatting with. Further evidence was needed if this was particular only to Facebook. A test was also run on my 11.5 yr old since she doesn't have access to Facebook. Her test consisted of being told to do homework. It was only when the distance between her face and mine was gradually decreased in inch intervals beginning with a length of 1 foot and finally getting a response at .6 inches. This resulted in movement towards the homework location and yet still failed to elicit the proper stimulus response of a completed homework assignment. It took the bribe of dessert to break through the language barrier.

Hypothesis #2: Teenagers have the exterior form of ears but the reality is that the parts that pick up sound don't develop until certain phrases such as "shopping for new clothes" or "boyfriend/girlfriend" or "car/sports/clothes" are uttered.

Conclusion: This is true. Each teen is programmed with magical trigger terms that immediately jump start those internal physiological devices that allow them to hear and thus respond to questions and requests. These trigger terms are dependent upon age. Right now, the trigger words for my 15 yr. old are "car, boyfriend's name, or money." Her male friend when he is over, "food, food, and food."

Hypothesis #3: Teenagers have periods in which the neurons in the brain overfire and there are only automatic bodily functions. All others, such as hearing, are optional and become dysfunctional when there is too much of an overload of information.

Conclusion: Inconclusive. The scientists (my husband, her swim coach, and myself) in this study needed to link the "huh" and "were you talking to me?" responses with specific behaviors which, given the rapid rate of mood swings, could not be conclusively link to a specific consistent behavior. We have found that an increase in volume or the waving of some precious commodity reboots the teen's processing system and thus allows for a suitable response (but only after 124,948,637 attempts). One may wonder what results in an overload of information. This is the use of more than one electronic device at a time. In our family room/lab we found that overload occurs when responding to a text message, chatting with more than 4 friends at once on Facebook and watching TV simultaneously.

It is the results of this scientific study that has resulted in one of my favorite catch-phrases which is "I might as well have a conversation with a tree." For those of you that have trees in your yard, consider yourselves lucky that you too can engage in the art of conversation with a teen.